Well, I had to finally get it up on here… Alan Partridge has been comedy hero of mine for years… Steve Coogans creation of the broadcaster whose career went from radio to TV, and then to corporate videos and spiralled further downwards… I love him.
In his early days, he was on radio before his TV show and on one of the shows he got hypnotised and it makes me laugh so much…Not only does it echo several of the popular misconceptions of hypnosis, it also is typical Alan Partridge… If you know his mannerisms and his catchphrases, then I think this is going to make you laugh out loud today, it does me….
Applause
Alan
OK, now, if you just want to move chairs, right. My next guest. Look into my
eyes! You are feeling very sleepy. If my soothing voice is soothing enough, it
should be sending you listeners at home to sleep. Are you asleep? Well, wake
up! Because I, Alan Partridge, am not a hypnotist but my next guest is. I’m
told she’s going to hypnotize me. I might end up like one of those zombies from
The Living Dead. Of course, my arms won’t be dropping off. She hails from
across the
She’s as American as chocolate chip biscuits and mum’s apple tart, but that’s
where comparisons with a tart must end, lest I come to a sticky end. Ladies and
gentlemen, she’s not a tart, she’s a lady hypnotist, with a set of pins that
will hypnotize any bloke. The big question is, what’s the name of her game?
Please welcome Janey Katz.
Applause and music: ‘The Name of the
Game’
Janey
Thank you!
Alan
Janey Katz. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Janey Katz, ah-haa.
Janey
Uh-huh.
Alan
No, ah-hooo, you say, ah-haaa.
Janey
Ah-haaaaa.
Alan
That’s right.
Janey
OK, right.
Alan
What’s the name of your game? Is it a game? Has it got a name, other than
hypnotism?
Janey
Really, what I practice is hypnotherapy, not hypnosis, so I try to distance
myself from showbiz, you know, the razzamatazz side of it. I’m not out to make
fools of people. I’m there to use hypnotherapy as a form of helping people to
open up their minds.
Alan
Right, because I saw a brilliant hypnotist —Tony Mesmer he was called — he was
brilliant, he was fantastic. He had blokes crying like babies, he had women on
all fours barking like dogs. It was really first-class entertainment, it really
was fantastic.
Janey
Yeah, I don’t do that.
Alan
He’s very popular. He’s booked right through to next summer, unavailable, hence
your good self. Now, but you were in
promoting your new book.
Janey
That’s right, yes.
Alan
I actually know
quite well.
Janey
You do?
Alan
Mmmm, I popped over there, and I really did get into, as Billy Joel put t, I
really did get into a
state of mind.
Janey
I bet you did.
Alan
Urn, I jumped in a cab and I said, ‘Cabbie, take me to the core of the Big
Apple. I want to check out the bits, dude.’ I really did say that.
Janey
Ha-ha-ha! Oh my God! Just next time, say
and you’ll get there.
Alan
Well, no, I want to get to the centre of
York
Janey
Yeah, that is
Alan
Right, that’s not where I want to go.
Janey
Where do you want to go?
Alan
Bloomingdales.
Janey
Yeah.You’re in
Alan
Right OK, I’m in
What do I do now?
Janey
You just get in a cab, and you say to the driver, ‘Take me to
Alan
OK, I’m outside Bloomingdales. What next? What do I do now?
Janey
What do you mean?
Alan
You’ve hypnotized me.
Janey
No I haven’t, no.
Alan
Oh, I see! I’m sorry.
Janey
You’ll know, Alan.
Alan
I thought you just slid into it. It’s just that you are staring at me.
Janey
I’m sorry. No, I just find you fascinating.
Alan
In what way?
Janey
Clinically.
Alan
Really? Thank you.
Janey
My pleasure.
Alan
You, Janey Katz, hypnotist, I, Alan Partridge, clinically fascinating. Thank
you. Now I believe right now, I’m very fortunate, because you’re going to
hypnotize me.
Janey
I certainly am, yes.
Alan
Great.
Janey
Obviously, we don’t have much time, so it’s going to be a kind of vague gesture
towards it. But the idea is that what we’ll try to do is project on to, let’s
say, the curtain of your mind, a series of images from your past.
Alan
OK, well, I’ll draw back my curtains
Janey
Good.
Alan
— behind which you will find a net curtain. You may lift that up, should you
wish
Janey
Thank you.
Alan
— and we’ll see if there are any skeletons lurking in — the cupboard, the
curtain, the curtain cupboard.
Janey
In your mind.
Alan
My mind’s curtain cupboard, yeah.
Janey
All right. Well the first thing to do is to get you relaxed, so if you can just
lie on — what are you
Alan
Just put this peg on my nose.
Janey
Why are you putting a peg on your nose?
Alan
(Sounding blocked up) Well, because I
was told that your blood-pressure increases during hypnotism. It could lead to
a nose bleed.
Janey
No, that’s nonsense. Who told you that?
Alan
The researchers.
Janey
I think it was probably a joke.
Alan
Ok, no, that’s all right, that’s ok.
Janey
Well, I mean, take it off.
Alan
I’ll take it off if I wish to take it off.
Janey
You can’t relax with a peg on your nose, Alan.
Alan
I should be the judge of whether I should take the peg off my nose, and, as it
happens, I have decided to take the peg off. I’ll do
that now.
Janey
OK, just lie back on the couch if you could be so kind.
Alan
(Sounding normal again) Right, I’m
lying back on the couch, listeners.
Janey
OK, just try to concentrate. Now, I’m going to count you down from three and
then in that time I want you to relax every muscle in your body, OK, and then
you will be hypnotized. Three, two — one. Now, Alan, without opening your eyes,
I want you to tell me what you can see.
Alan
(In a high, childish voice) A pair of
plimsolls.
Janey
All right. Now, who do they belong to?
Alan
Little boy.
Janey
Do you recognize the little boy?
Alan
Yes, it’s Alan Partridge.
Jane
Uh, huh. Now, I want you to just step inside Alan Partridge.
Alan
Ok.
Janey
Now, Alan, would you tell me how old you are?
Little Alan
(Sounding frightened) I’m eight years
old.
Janey
And where are you at the moment?
Little Alan
I’m on the bottom of Tandle Hill.
Janey
Where’s Tandle Hill?
Little Alan
Near the school.
Janey
OK. Now, describe what you can see in front of you.
Little Alan
There’s about eighty boys.
Janey
So you’re not alone?
Little Alan
No, they’re at the top of the hill.
Janey
And where are you?
Little Alan
I’m on the bottom. Can’t keep up with them, it’s a cross-country run.
Janey
OK.
Little Alan
It’s cold. It’s very cold.
Janey
Why are you so cold if you are running, Alan?
Little Alan
I haven’t got any shorts on.
Janey
Why not?
Little Alan
Steven McCoombe’s taken them off me.
Janey
Can you see Steven McCoombe?
Little Alan
Yes, he’s waving them about with his hands. He’s saying, ‘SmellyAlan Fartridge!
Smelly Alan Fartridge!’ I’m not smelly!
Janey
No, I know that.
Little Alan
Smelly Alan Fartridge!
Janey
OK, Alan, all right, now look, you’re not happy, are you, no?
Little Alan
No.
Janey
No. Should we take you away from here?
Little Alan
Yes.
Janey
Let’s take you to some place where you are happy, OK?
Little Alan
Oh good.
Janey
We’re going there right now.
Little Alan
Mmm—
Janey
Are you there?
Little Alan
Yes.
Janey
Now tell me what you can see.
Little Alan
I’m in class.
Janey
Yeah.
Little Alan
The Headmaster’s come in.
Janey
Right. And what’s happening?
Janey
And what’s happening now?
Little Alan
Oh, he’s looking very pleased. He said, he said, ‘Someone’s won an essay
writing competition, someone’s written an essay on sport and it’s won a prize.’
Janey
Mm-hmm. What else is he saying?
Little Alan
He said, ‘Is there an Alan Partridge in the class? Would Alan Partridge identify
himself?’
Little Alan
I’m standing up. They’re all applauding me!
Janey
Terrific. And what are you saying, Alan?
Little Alan
I’m saying, (reverts back to his grown-up
voice) ‘I’m Alan Partridge! I am Alan Partridge! I’ve won the essay writing
competition, of that there’s no doubt!’
Janey
OK.
Little Alan
Yes, I have won it. Things will now be very different. No longer will I be
called infantile names — ‘cos I won the competition!
Janey
Great, now, Alan, we have to, we’re running a little short of time, we have to
now bring you back, OK?
Alan
No, I don’t want to come back.
Janey
No, you, you’ll be fine, you have to come back because you’re in the middle of
a talk show.
Alan
I like it here.
Janey
Well, you like it here too.
Alan
No, I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to be on the radio.
Janey
Come on, Alan. You’re very popular —
Alan
Nobody listens to Radio 4.
Janey
Alan
Nobody listens to Radio 4!
Janey
Now, Alan, just concentrate because I can’t bring you back
otherwise.
Alan
I want to be on the telly!
Janey
Now, I’m going to count to three and you have to come back.
Alan
Let me on the telly! Let me on the telly!
Janey
One — two — three.
Alan
So what I want to know is when are you going to hypnotize
me?
Janey
I’ve done it.
Alan
Really?
Janey
Yes, it’s been done. Just think about what is foremost in
your mind at the moment.
Alan
Oh, the essay writing competition.
Janey
That’s right, back at school. Anything else from school, d’you remember?
Alan
Yes, cross-country run.
Janey
Tandle Hill, do you remember that?
Alan
Yes, ah, great stuff.
Janey
That’s right, yep, did you enjoy that?
Simon
Smelly Alan Fartridge!
Alan
What? No one calls me that! No one calls me that!
Janey
Hang on, Simon —
Simon
I was just referring him back to his past.
Janey
No, Simon, this is a very important point, you must not abuse this privilege,
because we have been privileged to see inside Alan’s memory.
Alan
No, I did not smell.
Janey
Now this is irrelevant, Alan, you don’t have to defend yourself.
Alan
(Agitated) No, I want to clear this
up once and for all.
Janey
There’s no need
Alan
This has been hanging in the air for about thirty years, right, but I want to
clear it up, OK? Steven McCoombe called me Smelly Alan Fartridge, because he
thought it was funny. Fartridge, Partridge, he said smelly. I wasn’t. My
personal hygiene was never in question. I showered regularly, I didn’t smell. The
question is, what’s Steven McCoombe doing now? That’s the question, because I
host a chat show, what’s he do? I tell you, he’s a forklift truck driver with
British Leyland. I’ll tell you. he lives in Edgbaston, he’s got a pathetic
life, I’ve seen, I’ve parked my car outside his house, I’ve watched him come and go, and he’s got a sad, pathetic life and McCoombe, if you are
listening, what are you now? You’re nothing. And lam Alan Partridge!
(Applause) Yeah, thank you, thank
you.
Now, that sort of wraps it up. Now -your book’s available in the shops this
Christmas?
Janey
Ha ha! It’s not a very good advert for my book! I assure you it does not make
you this aggressive!
Alan
OK, well.
Janey
Yeah, it’s called The Future is Behind
You and it is in fact a therapeutic study.
Alan
OK, one for the Christmas stocking, hypnotize your friends.
Janey
No, no, it’s not a show, it’s not a party trick.
Alan
Well, OK, in that case, a very serious book. Slap it on top of, er, Stephen
Hawking’s book on your coffee table and impress yourfriends. Ladies and gentlemen, Janey Katz!
Applause
Hahahaha. I love it. If you get the chance to listen to the radio shows, please do so, it is marvellou entertainment. 🙂
