Well over the past couple of days the TV news programmes here in England have been showing footage of a young chap who broke into what the police refer to as a ‘honey trap.’ That is, a car which has been rigged with lots of cameras and has lots of bits and pieces worth stealing lying around in it…

So then, the lured thief breaks in, gets caught on camera and our bulging jails get to bulge some more… That was the 10 seconds of news time not used to discuss the credit crunch…

As it transpires, this particular criminal even had his own name and birthdate tattooed on his neck and was caught on camera… Aa-hahahaha… A comedy thief.

There have been several rather hilarious and poor quality thieves making the news recently I hasten to add… I simply have to point out some things that I rather perversely find hilarious… You have to read this stuff…

An American thief has received a six-year prison sentence for stealing twenty dollars from a child’s piggy bank.

According to Metro.co.uk, Ryan Mueller broke into a family home in the state of Wisconsin and attempted to empty the piggy bank while his 2-year-old victim slept. He was caught red-handed by the toddler’s mother who immediately called the police.

Mueller, a repeat offender with three previous convictions for burglary, was shown no mercy in court and handed a severe six-year jail term. That has to be one of the lowest acts of theiving… As perverse as it may sound, I thought there was some small honour among thieves, no?

In another incident, an intruder who broke into a family home in Wichita, Kansas, was forced to flee in his underwear after being disturbed midway through his wash cycle, reports the Daily Telegraph. Yes indeed, this burglar decided to stop and do his washing while he was there!

The burglar was rumbled after the homeowner returned home to find clothes strewn across her basement laundry room.

Unsure whether the intruder was still in her house, the woman returned upstairs to call her husband. While she made the call, the burglar made his escape dressed only in a pair of blue underpants. He even pinched the woman’s purse for good measure.

Sadly for the intruder, his victim gave chase and managed to retrieve the purse. When the woman returned to her basement, she found the burglar’s trousers in her washing machine… Yet another useless thief!

Then to top it all off, police in Pennsylvania have charged a man from Philadelphia with stealing an ambulance from outside a hospital, reports the Associated Press.

A Lafayette Ambulance & Rescue crew was dropping off a patient at the Montgomery Hospital in Norristown when their vehicle vanished.

Four hours later state police spotted the missing ambulance on the Schuylkill Expressway and ordered the driver to pull over.

22-year-old Justin Janaitis was subsequently charged with with receiving stolen property and driving under the influence. It remains unclear why he decided to take the ambulance… If you didn’t laugh, you’d cry!

Soooo… The people that are potentially sullying the name of hypnosis seem to be of a better social strata and skillset than the majority of these haphazard thieves… Who am I referring to?

Well, the hypnotist thieves of course.

Apparently, and according to this hypnosis article in the Inquirer, hypnotist thieves are on the up:

A front page news item in the September 26 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer that criminals may now be using hypnosis to rob people, caught my attention.

The article, written by Alcuin Papa, quoted an anticrime group that it has received stories from three victims who were believed to be hypnotized into giving up their cash and valuables.

According to the news item, “one victim related she was walking when one of the women approached her purportedly to ask for help. The suspect held on to her arm and looked her in the eye. Another suspect then appeared and whispered something into her.

“Falling under some spell, the hypnotized victim then went to her bank to open her safe deposit boxes.

“Another victim was hypnotized the same way into going back to her home in Quezon City to retrieve her cash and valuables. She then returned to Binondo to turn the cash over to the suspects.

“Another victim was not robbed… but felt weak after the suspects tapped her three times on the shoulder. She went home, took her valuables from her cabinet and fortunately fell asleep.

“Waking up refreshed, she was puzzled why she had consented to give up her valuables.”

The use of hypnosis to commit crimes is not really new in the Philippines. We’ve long heard many stories of store cashiers voluntarily handing over the cash in the register to a stranger, usually described as Indian-looking, after being hypnotized into doing so. When the stranger leaves the store with the cash, the cashier awakens from her trance wondering what had happened to her.

There you go then… If you are a career thief, the answer is simple — you need to get with the times! Get trained as  hypnotist and rise above all these other people…Thieves are currently a laughing stock, as my blog entry today illustrates, the only guys having consistent thieving success seem to be the hypnotist robbers of the Phillipines…

So, desperate times call for desperate measures… Having been struck and hypnotised by the media’s frenzied coverage of the credit crunch… My one last chance for survival has to be this… There is an obvious gap in the market…

I am opening a hypnosis training school for thieves…I’ll be like an ‘up-market Fagin’ for hypnotist thieves and just take a percentage… I’ll overcome the credit crunch now that is has become a bigger media baddy than terrorists and global warming and is about to destroy us all…

(Breathes out loud, audible sigh and snaps out of the most sarcastic mood he has been in for a long while…)


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