Ok, so pretend you did not read the title for a few moment, because I want to explain my reasoning behind all of this… Heck, every now and then I get to vent my spleen and write about something other than hypnosis and hypnotherapy… Here goes, my thoughts on the England football world cup team.

We drew our first two games…We have not lost a match in this world cup, but due to the nature of our qualifying campaign, we expected more us fickle football fans.

People have been blaming Fabio Capello for being too strict, yet when Sven Goran Erickson was England team coach or Steve MacLaren was, everyone in the media and some players suggested they were too relaxed!

The managers tactics and team selection get blamed… But any selection and tactical system still has nothing to do with trying hard and giving your all in the name of country while on the football pitch.

How long can we keep blaming the team coach? These players are getting paid hundreds of thousands of pounds every single week, just to kick a ball around!

Think about our soldiers… Fighting in the name of our country, getting paid your weekly wage every two years. Risking their lives… The armed forces did a video message for the England players sending on their best regards and wishing them well… And the child-like despondency of the Algeria game is no way to react and respond to that, is it?

Some of the players are apparently missing their wives, well tell our soldiers that too! You’ll be back in your highly distasteful gold laden mansion in just a couple of weeks! I need to stop flapping my arms, it is tough typing when doing so…

Are our players now so devoid of reality, that they cannot amuse themselves – they have a gym, daily team training, hotel facilities, electronic games to play, trips to go on … How many of them do you think are reading books? There are quite a few good books been written in the history of mankind to choose from for the few weeks you are at the world cup!

Then we have John Terry talking nonsense in press interviews, the man who thinks he is all high and mighty… Who is actually a total prat.

John Terry slept with his friend’s girlfriend (and mother of his friends child) whilst counselling his ‘friend’ about their relationship. He got her pregnant, then paid for her to have a secret abortion. John Terry’s Dad got caught dealing cocaine and faced criminal charges. Then John Terry decides that despite being stripped of his England Captaincy, that having discussed the England teams poor performance against Algeria whilst having a beer with a couple of his team-mates, he’d tell the media that the team needed a ‘clear the air talk’ only for us to be told the next day by other players and the coach, that no such thing was happening and that he was out of order for suggesting such.
Like I said, what a prat. John Terry – just play well, win football matches and attempt to win back some dignity, attempt to inspire kids on the football pitch and not influence our opinion of you with your flawed morals and ego-induced idiocy.

One thing us England football fans can usually count upon… Is Wayne Rooney putting his all into every game, chasing down players, never giving up on any ball, and showing the true spirit of the three lions… Yet against Algeria, he displayed non of his usual vigour or enthusiasm and instead decided to bad mouth the booing England fans to a TV camera. (Audibly sighs)

Those fans travelled half way around the world, paying a lot of money to watch you play! They earn the right to voice their frustration at you prima donnas who blame everyone else for your failings.

Instead of venting your spleen at the fans, how about using the previous 90 minutes to vent your spleen at the Algerian defence and score some goals, play with heart, and show us disillusioned fans that you are worth those millions of pounds you get paid each year?

All I want, and I guess all any real England football fan wants, is to see the England team play well. To see them play as if they care. When we have lost playing well, I did not mind ()except when it is to Germany on penalties). I’d prefer us to win of course. The annoying thing is, we have players that are the best in the world when playing for their clubs. Yet, they seemed to lack conviction against Algeria.

Playing in the world cup is every footballers dream isn’t it? It is the pinnacle of your career. This is what you aspire to… I played in many world cup finals on the green outside my house as a boy, and dreaming that one day I’d love to play in the world cup. These guys are at the top of the world’s most popular team sport… Do they need any more motivation? How dare they make it seem ordinary! How dare they complain of being bored! Would they like the Cirque du Soleil performers to turn up at their hotel and give them private shows? Do they require Eddie Izzard and Michael McIntyre to crack gags to them during their hours of free time? Would they like Derren Brown to marvel them to help while away the hours? What the hell do they expect?

So here is what I personally plan to do… If the England team go out of the World Cup today following a poor result and go home in petulant manner (as per the French national football team) then I am going to show them how to be a man… By growing a moustache.


Never in my life have I done so before, I hope I am capable. In response to their inability to be men, and if they play like children, I plan to grow the most ridiculous looking moustache as a symbol of my frustration and a symbnol of what it means to be a man.

England team – I will forgive you for the Algeria game if you just put in a hearty performance today. I urge you to think of the consequences of your actions… Anything other than victory could well mean a few weeks of my hypnotherapy clients and students facing me whilst I am donning a fluffy, ginger, handle-bar moustache under my nose. If not for the other England fans… Do it for them! Think of all the beard styles that would otherwise never be worn by these folks!