How Did I Get 600 Friends in 4 Days?

If you read my blog, you will know that I mentioned that I had jumped on board the seemingly massively growing online social networking bandwagon. I joined the most popular one here in the UK, that is MySpace. Boy oh boy, what an education it has been and what a ride the last week has been! (Click here to view my profile and add me as a friend if you are a MySpace user)

There is a set of terminology that you need to know, a very particular etiquette that you must abide by and people just seem to have this crazed determination to have as many "friends" as possible. I get requests from some of the most unusual places around the world for people wanting to be my online friend… Isn’t that nice? Hmmm…

The reason I mention this is to do with communication.

I was chatting to someone on there about the way people use language in these environments. It is the same with text, email and with the instant message services. Everyone seems to abbreviate words, remove the vowels, refuses to punctuate…

I am beginning to sound like my old English teacher at school!

Now if it was just spelling, grammar and punctuation that was missing or altered, I could cope with that, but I think and feel that all this mass, fast communication lacks any real ability to get a meaning, purpose or sentiment conveyed. How valuable it is to be able to convey your feelings with your written and spoken word! If it is not being conveyed now in these seemingly friendly environments, then what is to come of that person if they have to sell, influence, relate or communicate in a slightly more complex environment or a professional place?

I know, I know, I am sounding old and out of touch. Perhaps. However, I have been insistent in the way I continue to communicate within these modern communication methods and in these technological environments and I have managed to attract over 600 ’friends’ in the space of 4 days at the time of writing this, I have a far wider variety of people aware of my work and the way in which I communicate myself tends to be indicative of how I am and it is then easier to develop a trusting relationship, albeit across the internet in some instances!

You’ll remember that in the previous article (Part 1 of Sleight of Mouth Patterns), I spoke about a set of Language Patterns that originally came from the field of NLP (neuro linguistic programming) that were called the "Sleight of Mouth Language Patterns" for those of you that missed it, have a read of that article on my articles page, it will be there for another week or so. Anyway, this week, I am going to plough straight into the actual patterns themselves. Here are 5 slight of mouth patterns that will enhance any communication whether it is online social networking, therapy, sales or just communicating with your family or friends;

1. Model of the World Pattern:

In order to generate a Model of the World Sleight of Mouth pattern, firstly ask the person you are communicating with if their belief is true for everyone.

The secondly, find a counter example of someone for whom their belief is not true. Let me illustrate this language pattern:

If someone expresses a limiting belief and they say: "I can’t ever make much money because I did not go to University to get a degree."

A good reply from the model of the world pattern would be to say: "Bill Gates doesn’t have a university degree and he’s the richest man in the world."

Another example of a response would be: "Is there no one who is rich that doesn’t have a university degree?"

This one is very straight forward. Basically, you call their belief into question by pointing out that it is not true for everyone. When you do so, it allows them to shift their perception and ideally their belief along with it.

2. Consequence Pattern:

To create a Consequence sleight of mouth pattern, firstly you want to ask the person that you are communicating with what might happen if they continue to hold that belief.

So, for example, a limiting belief of a lady I worked with recently was: "All men are pigs." (Except me of course… I am her therapist!)

Then, an example of a good Consequence response is: "What will happen if you continue to believe that?"

Let me explain this process of using this particular pattern. You see, often people don’t consider the consequences of holding their beliefs. In the example given here, the response might be, "well, I guess I would never have a healthy, loving, trusting relationship with a man."

You might follow up by asking "Is that what you want?" If the answer is no, the conversation can evolve into one about how to tell the difference between the kind of man she might like to be involved with and someone who may well constitute a "pig."

Can you think of areas in your life where beliefs you hold could lead to less than useful results? If so, the consequence pattern can be the first step to overcoming these beliefs. That’s right, you can ask yourself those kinds of questions too, very few people ever do, and many of us find it easy to hide from the truth of the answers…

3. Metaphor: I have gone into this in much more detail in previous articles when I wrote about story telling too.

However, to put together a Metaphor sleight of mouth pattern, the first thing you should do is to ask yourself "What story or saying or idiom or analogy is parallel to their belief and provides a solution?"

So, here is another example of a limiting belief illustrated in a conversation: "As I get older, I’m sure you’ll find me less attractive."

A nice Metaphor response could be: "A sunset is the most beautiful part of the day."

An example of a limiting belief that people have with me is: "Your consultation fees are too expensive. Money doesn’t grow on trees, you know."

A good Metaphor response would be: "That’s right. Money grows from investment. Consulting with me is the seed that, when nourished properly, is an investment that can bloom for many, many years to come."

As I have mentioned before, when you tell a story, each individual listening digs into their own experiences to make sense of the story. When your story provides a solution they may use that solution to solve some problem in their lives.

When a limiting belief is expressed, tell a story that is similar in some way to their belief and have the story come to a successful resolution. I like these.

4. Counter Example Pattern:

So to put together a Counter Example sleight of mouth pattern, have a good think of some other person or situation in which the stated belief is not true and mention it.

One example of a typical limiting belief that I get from people wanting to set up in business is: "I’m afraid I’ll never be able to run my own business, it’s just too complicated."

Therefore a good example of the Counter Example response might be: "You learned how to drive and, at first that seemed very complicated didn’t it?"

Another Counter Example Response could be: "My friend John said the same thing but he learned to run his own business."

Counter Examples are familiar to us all, I bet many of you are thinking that you use them a lot of the time anyway. When someone says, "It’s impossible to stop smoking," we can all suggest that other people have stopped and therefore it’s not impossible (in this example the pattern is not only a Counter Example but a Model of the World pattern as well).

5. Intent Pattern:

With this final pattern for today, creating an Intent sleight of mouth pattern is simple; firstly, ask what they hope to accomplish by making the statement or guess at what they are trying to achieve and comment on that.

Let me give an example of a limiting belief: "I don’t think it will work out between us, you’re just not affectionate enough."

A typical example of an Intent Response is: "What do you hope to accomplish by saying that?"

The response might be "To get you to be more affectionate!" Then you could move on to solving that issue.

Another example Intent response to the same limiting belief is to guess at what they want to achieve:

"How would you like me to demonstrate affection toward you?" In this case you are guessing that what they really hope to accomplish by making the comment is more affection. You’ve moved beyond the blanket statement "It will never work out," to a more solution oriented approach.

The Intent Sleight of Mouth pattern helps to move beyond the limiting belief and get to accomplishing something. When people have a limiting belief it usually stops them from making any progress. It is so very valuable to move on to accomplishing something from the communication rather than just highlighting negatives or limiting beliefs, this is key to good, effective, pleasing communication.

Notice how asking what someone hopes to accomplish by making a given statement moves them from their seemingly "set in stone” belief to a more fluid, open-ended attitude.

There are two very important things to bear in mind when using sleight of mouth language patterns:

1. That old chestnut: Rapport.

The number one mistake people make when using Sleight of Mouth patterns is a lack of rapport. Rapport can take many forms but it’s generally a feeling of liking, connection or trust between people. When you are questioning someone’s closely held beliefs, they’d better have a good reason for listening to you!

Otherwise, you’ll be wasting your breath. All the fancy techniques or strategies in the world will be rendered impotent if you do not come from a good place of positive intention and trust, so you want to have a trustworthy reason for your outcome!

Without rapport, Sleight of Mouth patterns are just clever tricks of language and people may feel manipulated by them. With rapport, Sleight of Mouth patterns can be powerful allies in overcoming limiting beliefs.

While specific rapport techniques is something that I can write 10 editions of Adam Up about and have done so in previous editions, here are a couple of good pointers for that:

* Develop a feeling of empathy when you talk to people, whether you’re trying to sell them something or you’re a therapist.

* Develop a genuine interest in what their needs are and what they have to say.

* Speak at the same rate they do.

* Keep a similar body posture to theirs.

* Use similar language to theirs. In fact, as often as possible, use their own words back to them.

* Take a few moments to get to know someone before you launch in to your spiel.

2. Dovetailing Outcomes:

Believe in "win/win" situations. That means you should do a couple of things…

* When you are interacting with someone, have your goals for that interaction clearly in mind.

* Take some time to figure out what their goals might be.

* Continuously compare the two sets of goals to find ways those goals can "dovetail."

Don’t be afraid to walk away from a situation where both people don’t get something positive. You’ll be better off in the end, trust me (and so will they).

Have some fun using these sleight of mouth language patterns in all your communication and see how you can make a positive impact with them.