Do you Truly Know what your Loved Ones’ Values Are? Find Out Today!

The rising phoenix of Nottingham Forest makes someone happy…

I have not mentioned football for several articles now, and some of you may be happy about that. Since the World Cup, it has not really been relevant to any of my work and I have not managed to make any more tenuous links to the football world and the personal development world just for the sake of combining my own passions and interests.

Howevuuuur… Let me tell you about my beloved Nottingham Forest. In the 1970s, we won the European Cup twice, in back-to-back seasons! This is unheard of today, and so are Nottingham Forest. We have truly fallen from grace over the past 10 years.

Not only were we relegated from the premier league into the Championship, we then went and got relegated into League One, and languished in mid-table obscurity there for most of last season. <Lets out a deep sigh…>

Anyway, this season, in our first 7 games we won 6 and drew one and are sitting pretty at the top of the table and the fans are beginning to get hopeful, rejuvenated and even expectant… Until last night.

Last night, we were at home to Oldham, and they have not won an away game for 18 months. Anyway, to cut this long story short, they beat us <sighs again>. However, I was not unhappy, because we played well and worked hard and the football we played was entertaining and left me optimistic. This is different to last season, because last season we played with seemingly little effort and without much care. I value effort. I value enthusiasm. I like to see my mindless support and love for my club to be rewarded with effort, endeavour and passion. So you can see how my club is able to endear me or annoy me based upon what I value.

What a brilliant and tenuous way to introduce this weeks topic, eh? Values…

How to find out the values of anyone and how to use them for maximum effect in your communication:

We all have values.

Think about what you value in life. Ask yourself just what is important to you in life; what drives you to be who you are?

What motivates you to be the way you are? Your beliefs are driven by your values and it is your values, which determine how you make decisions throughout your life. Values are qualities that you hold to be important to you in the way you lead your life. You may value these things, for example:

• Honesty.
• Openness.
• Integrity.
• Fun.
• Learning.

One way you can find out what you value is to identify something you really want; so go ahead and think of something that you really want. Now ask yourself this question; what will that give me that I wouldn’t otherwise have?

When you have subsequently answered that question to yourself, ask it again.

• Ask yourself, “What do I want?” An example response might be, “To reduce my weight.”
• Then you ask, “What will that give me that I would not otherwise have?” The answer might be, “A body I can feel comfortable showing off.”
• Then ask again, “What will that give me that I would not otherwise have?” The answer may well be, “Freedom.”

To get the most from this exercise, you need to take the question as far as you can until you get the simplest answer and the question can be asked no more. When you go as far as you can, you end up with a core value: what it is that is really important to you. In this example it was freedom. So here you are establishing what your values are in life.

We all have our own interpretation of what these values mean and how we know they are met. It is important not only to have values but also to know how you will recognise that they are being satisfied.

It is also important that we know and understand our own values, so that we can understand if the values we have contrast that of others or if we are forcing our own values on to other people.

What are the Values of Others?

One of the greatest things that we can do in any kind of communication, in order to be more effective or more influential is to understand and elicit the values and needs of the people that we are communicating with and this can be done wonderfully well with the use of questions.

The values of others are important to determine because we tend to assume everyone has the same or similar values to us. So we need to know our own values and those of the people that we are communicating with. Often, if we don’t really know what others values are, we tend to assign our own values to them. This subsequently makes for poor and even confusing communication.

A couple on a date will find it very important to discover each others values before they choose whether to embark on future dates. If one feels it is important to have independence and freedom and the other wants closeness, then best you know right away.

A salesperson will need to establish values of the prospect and match their product or service to those values.

Questions are vitally important for people looking to exert influence, sales people, therapists and just about anyone looking to communicate more effectively.

By the way, we are all salespeople in some shape or form — I can remember an NLP trainer in the US, Tad James, telling me that even wanting to stop your children taking illegal drugs and being a better sales person than the drug dealer or the ‘bad influence’ friends is being a salesperson.

Questions are used in the persuasive process to clarify statements, determine values, draw out objections, and direct the conversation. Questions are also used to convince the receiver that your objectives are valid and should be met.

When we communicate, people often respond to your communication in ways that leave their own viewpoint unclear or not easily defined or understandable. At other times, people don’t seem to know what or why they believe what they believe. Therefore, it is often necessary to clarify their viewpoint, values or beliefs to understand how to communicate more effectively with them.

This can happen in the sales process, arguments with your spouse, office meetings, and other areas of communication.

So, how do we find out what someone else’s values are?

We ask them. Simple.

Ask the person you are communicating with this question: “What’s most important to you …

• in a relationship?”
• when choosing a car to buy?”
• in making an investment?”
• when choosing a therapist?”

Once you discover these values, you now need to discover the rules that define the values, so the next wonderful question is, “How do you know when you have <value>?”

Let me illustrate:

• You ask, “What’s most important to you in a relationship?” You get the answer, “Trust.”
• You then ask, “How do you know when you have trust?” They may then say, “When they tell me private things about their life.”

See what you have done here? You have found out what you need to do to resonate well with their values. Cool, eh?

Let me give you some other examples:

• “What’s most important to you when choosing a car to buy?” You get the reply, “It has to be good value.” You then ask, “How do you know when it is good value?” They may answer, “When I get it for the price shown in my ‘What Car’ magazine price guide.”
• “What’s most important to you when making an investment?” You get the reply, “It has to be safe.” You then ask, “How do you know when it is a safe investment?” They may reply, “When I know I cannot lose anything.”
• “What’s most important to you when choosing a therapist?” You get the reply, “They have to be at the top of their profession.” You then ask, “How do you know that they are at the top of their profession?” You may get the reply, “Well, they will have a cheeky grin, ginger hair and write a brilliant weekly ezine called Adam Up.”

Apologies, I was struggling being serious for so long.

You can see how you can then begin to use the information that you have to resonate to those values.

So, now we have established values, let’s take things a step further and do the same with needs. Firstly, you ask that question, “What is it, exactly, that you need from…

• a relationship?”
• a new car?”
• an investment?”
• a therapist?”

Naturally, we now want to ask questions to discover the rules that define those needs, so you start by asking, “How do you know when you have that?”

Again, let me illustrate:

• “What is it, exactly that you need from a relationship?” They may reply, “Both of us being able to compromise.” You then ask, “How do you know when you are both compromising?” They may reply, “We both make allowances for the other.”
• “What is it exactly that you need from a new car?” They may reply, “Enough space for my large family.” You then ask, “How do you know when you have enough space for your large family? They may reply, “It’s got to have 4 doors and three seats in the back.”
• “What is it exactly that you need from an investment?” They may reply, “I need it to be flexible.” You then ask, “How do you know when it is flexible?” They may reply, “When I can change funds without being penalised.”
• “What is it exactly that you need from a therapist?” They may reply, “Relevant successful experience.” You then ask, “How do you know when they have relevant successful experience?” They may reply, “When they can provide me with a testimonial.”

I bet you thought I was going to crack a gag again, didn’t you? I am not that predictable.

When you find out about people’s values and needs, you are showing that you care, you are showing that you are capable of understanding them, you are showing that you are after more than a sale, more than a date, you are showing yourself to be a wonderful communicator.

In most cases, the person that you are communicating with will give you their values and needs. When you find out someone’s values and needs and then offer to meet those values and needs, you are going to get some wonderfully beneficial results for both of those involved in the communication. You know what criteria needs to met and you develop rapport with the person more than most people will, because most people will not want to discover these important things in someone else.

If you are a salesperson, for example, what better way to introduce your product or service, having established their values and needs by now saying, “OK, if I can now show you a way that you can have <value met> and <need met>, then you would be interested, wouldn’t you?” You are as good as closing the sale when they agree, aren’t you?

Of course they are! You are going to show them that you can match their very own values and needs. You have the relationship, the sale, the investment or the potential client in the bag, and they are going to have their needs and their values met and so you both win. You are communicating wonderfully and both people gain what was good for them.

For those of you that have been reading Adam Up for a while now, you will know that I have talked about the usefulness of matching physiology, breathing, language and other things to gain rapport. Once you are aware of someone else’s values, you can now match their values and truly resonate well with them.

You don’t necessarily have to agree with their values, however, you can show that you understand them, you can acknowledge their point of view and even demonstrate that if you were them, you’d feel the same too. Developing a true affinity with someone is made easier when you show that you can understand and model their values and needs and this makes us very effective communicators.

Spend some time asking the kinds of questions that allow you to understand and elicit the values of friends, family and colleagues. See what you find out and how you can develop your relationships using that information wisely in your future communications.